Whenever I hear a question like, “How can I talk to my teenage daughter?” the first thought that comes to mind is that these parents probably didn’t know how to talk to their children when they were young. Now, as their kids enter adolescence, they don’t understand the language, attitude, or mindset of this new stage of life.
A common mistake among many parents is believing that yelling, scolding, or even using physical punishment when their children are young will lead to obedient and well-behaved kids. They think that the old saying “Spare the rod, spoil the child” justifies this approach. But those “obedient” years disappear quickly once the child hits 11, 12, or 13. At this age, shouting no longer works. Instead, parents start labeling them as “rebellious,” “disrespectful,” or “difficult,” and begin to panic. Some parents turn to prayer, hoping their kids will be good and focused on schoolwork. Others seek advice from teachers, counselors, or religious leaders.
What most parents forget is that they missed the chance to connect with their children when they were young—“Train up a child in the way he should go.” They also fail to recognize that their child is going through major physical, emotional, and mental changes. The child they knew a few years ago is not the same person standing before them now. Teenagers are discovering who they are, wanting their own voice, style, and independence. Meanwhile, parents still see them as little kids who need constant correction.
Consider this short conversation between a 15-year-old granddaughter and her grandfather:
-Grandpa, did you used to yell at Mom when she was my age?
-Sometimes, when she did something wrong.
-But what if she didn’t do anything wrong? Would you still yell?
-Never. Why would I yell if she did nothing wrong?
-But what’s considered “wrong”? Is it when she didn’t do what she was supposed to do, or just didn’t follow your rules?
-Oh, like if she didn’t make her bed, didn’t say a prayer before meals, or stayed up late on her phone talking to friends…
–Well, Mom’s nothing like you then. She yells just because she feels like it. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m getting yelled at.
This conversation highlights a critical issue most parents face with teenagers: How do you talk to them so that they actually listen?
Below are three key principles that can help parents connect with their teenagers:
1. Start with Questions
Teenagers have many questions but often don’t know who to ask. Relying on friends is like “the blind leading the blind” (Matthew 15:14). Searching on YouTube, Google, or even AI can lead to even more confusion—especially on sensitive topics like sexuality, gender identity, drinking, drugs, or dating.
Parents often underestimate their teen’s intelligence. They lecture or command rather than discuss: “You must do this. You must act like that.” This approach alienates them. A better way is to encourage teens to ask questions and think critically:
“What do you think about peer pressure, drugs, or sex before marriage? What’s your take on this?”
Open conversations like these build trust and give parents a chance to guide their teens’ decision-making without sounding controlling or judgmental.
2. Speak Through Actions
Adolescence is a time when emotions run wild, and teens are desperate to show the world who they are. Parents shouldn’t be shocked when their child suddenly dyes their hair bright red, gets a piercing, or adopts a quirky style.
Among peers, teens often want to look “tough” or “cool,” which can lead to arguments, fights, or reckless behavior. In matters of love, crushes, and relationships, teens may become distracted, hide things from their parents, or even lie. If parents don’t address these issues openly, teens will look for answers from friends, social media, or movies—which often send the wrong message.
The key is not yelling but spending time with them, calmly discussing why they feel the way they do, and teaching them self-control through example. Teens learn best when they see their parents practice patience, forgiveness, and calmness.
3. Share Your Experiences
Many parents hide their past mistakes, fearing that their kids will lose respect for them. But no one is perfect, and pretending to be flawless only builds distance. Teens want to hear real stories of resilience—how their parents overcame struggles, learned from failures, and kept going.
As the saying goes, “Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.” By being honest, parents can pass on valuable life lessons and show that failure is not the end but a step toward growth.
Conclusion
When children are young, yelling or scolding might seem effective. But with teenagers, anger, threats, or punishments rarely work.
To communicate effectively, parents must learn to speak their teen’s “language.” Teens want guidance, not commands. They want to see their parents’ actions, not just hear their words: “Words may shake, but actions pull.” And above all, they want to know how their parents stood up and moved forward after every setback.
-Trần Mỹ Duyệt, Ph. D in Psychology-