There are three main ways couples communicate with each other: through spoken words, gestures, and writing. Dialogue can be expressed verbally, through body language, or in writing. Yet, one of the most common reasons marriages fall apart is because couples stop talking, stop understanding, and stop truly connecting with each other. Instead of speaking and listening with empathy, they resort to shouting and arguing—what we often call being “at odds” with one another.
Arguments and conflicts often stem from clashing personalities, differences in perspective, or simply a lack of understanding and compassion. In marriage, when couples can’t find common ground, divorce often follows. One study found that 65% of divorces are linked to poor communication, while another revealed that couples who “just couldn’t talk to each other anymore” accounted for 50% of separations.
Why Communication Breaks Down
There are countless reasons why couples struggle to communicate—spoken, written, or nonverbal. Human beings, even when deeply in love, can’t possibly read each other’s minds. Men and women are wired differently. On top of that, family upbringing, education, culture, and even religion shape how we think, feel, and react.
It’s no wonder that misunderstandings are natural in marriage. No husband or wife can honestly say they fully understand their spouse 100%. As Sigmund Freud once admitted after decades of research: “I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?” The reverse is also true—understanding men isn’t any easier.
But beyond differences in psychology lies another challenge: the ego. In countless marital disputes, both partners’ pride gets in the way. Neither wants to admit fault, even a little. Instead, they cling to being “right,” fueling arguments that leave both sides wounded. As the saying goes: “You can win the argument but lose the relationship.”
When Love Isn’t Enough
Sometimes, communication problems arise because love itself isn’t strong enough. Real love requires sacrifice—being willing to change, compromise, or do things you might not prefer, simply for your partner’s happiness. As a Vietnamese proverb says, “To love is to die a little inside.” Those small sacrifices, those everyday acts of care, are what keep marriages alive.
The Art of Listening
Most couples argue because both are talking at the same time, raising their voices, trying to win. Sadly, in those heated moments, nobody truly listens. Contrast that with the tenderness of a date night: sitting close, speaking softly, even communicating with just a smile or a glance. In those moments, love thrives, and time seems to stand still.
Listening is key. An old proverb reminds us: “Think seven times before you speak.” In other words—listen first, then respond. When couples take the time to listen, they create space for understanding and healing.
Breaking the Silence
Silence, when used to avoid or dismiss a partner, is not golden. Ignoring or suppressing issues only builds resentment. Over time, unspoken words become barriers, making future conversations harder.
That’s why in the dictionary of marriage, we should cross out the phrase “at odds.” Disagreements are inevitable, but they don’t have to divide us. What matters is how we listen, how we choose our words, and when we choose to speak.
As another Vietnamese saying wisely puts it:
- “Words cost nothing, but choose them carefully and they will bring harmony.”
- “Sweet words can sink deep into the heart.”
Final Thought
Dialogue is more than just talking—it’s an art. And more than an art, it is the very secret to building and sustaining a happy marriage.
— Trần Mỹ Duyệt, Ph.D. in Psychology-