There are no completely reliable statistics on infidelity, largely because few people are willing to admit publicly that they have cheated. In general, studies estimate that approximately 15% to 20% of married people have been unfaithful. Another study found that 35% of those who had cheated said they would likely do so again if given the opportunity.
Infidelity is not limited to young people. It also occurs among people in their 50s and 60s, many of whom have been married for 20 to 30 years. [1]
Recent studies show that self-reported rates of infidelity vary widely, ranging from 10% to 56%. In Asia, Thailand has a reported infidelity rate of 56%, compared with 31% in Japan and 18% in China.
In Vietnam, infidelity is associated with 25.9% of divorces. Yet only 18% of survey participants admitted to having had an extramarital relationship, while 92% said they personally knew someone who had cheated. [2]
Do Men or Women Cheat More?
Overall, men report higher rates of infidelity than women—20% compared with 13%. Among younger adults, however, the gender gap is narrowing.
Among adults ages 18 to 29, 11% of women reported cheating, compared with 10% of men. According to data from the Institute for Family Studies and the General Social Survey, this is the only age group in which women reported a slightly higher rate than men.
The rate among men reaches its peak at 26% for those in their 70s. Among women, it peaks at 16% for those in their 60s. That creates a 10-percentage-point gap—ten times greater than the difference among the youngest adults.
The General Social Survey defines infidelity primarily in terms of sexual behavior. This definition may overlook many behaviors that Americans also consider cheating, particularly emotional affairs, which may be more commonly reported by women.
Research also found that 45% of people who cheated in one relationship went on to cheat in their next relationship, with no significant difference between men and women (Knopp et al., 2017). [3]
The Four Destructive Vices
Traditional Vietnamese culture often groups gambling, excessive drinking, womanizing, and drug addiction together as the “Four Great Vices.” These behaviors are viewed as sources of social harm and moral decline.
From both a moral and social perspective, these vices can destroy marriages and families, ruin careers, damage reputations, and lead those caught in them toward a troubled future. They can also be understood as illnesses within society.
Among them, infidelity is particularly easy to fall into, difficult to overcome, and even harder to leave behind permanently. Its consequences can be devastating to a person’s emotional well-being, mental health, relationships, and moral values.
The Vietnamese poet Tú Xương, known for writing candidly about his own pleasure-seeking lifestyle, once acknowledged his weaknesses:
“Tea, liquor, and women—three;
Three troublesome pleasures tormenting me.
I’ll give up whichever ones I can;
Perhaps the tea and liquor—but not the woman.” [4]
In other words, romantic affairs and womanizing may be the hardest habits to break.
One of my friends quit smoking, only to start again. Others stopped drinking but later returned to alcohol. Some people caught in an affair find themselves torn between two desires: “Half of me wants to end it, but the other half cannot bear to let go.”
The result is often constant conflict and the loss of peace and happiness within the family.
The dilemma of infidelity does not end when the unfaithful partner decides to return home. Reconciliation also depends on whether the betrayed spouse is willing to forgive, accept that person’s return, and begin rebuilding the relationship.
Unfortunately, it is often the injured spouse who is expected to show greater compassion, patience, and forgiveness. But such generosity of heart can be extremely difficult to find after a profound betrayal.
Whether someone is trying to end an affair, has ended it but relapsed, or is finally determined to walk away for good, recovery must begin with one essential step: admitting the wrongdoing. The next step is having the courage to offer a sincere apology.
Doing these two things can bring a person halfway along the road to reconciliation.
Some believe there may also be differences in how men and women respond emotionally to an affair. In certain cases, a woman who has formed a deep emotional attachment to another partner may find it especially difficult to return to her marriage—particularly if she has had a child with that person.
Completing the remaining half of the journey requires extraordinary effort from both spouses. The person who was unfaithful and the person who was betrayed must demonstrate determination and goodwill through honesty, sacrifice, patience, acceptance, and forgiveness.
A Pleasant Quagmire
“Everyone has a passing crush at some point. Women are attracted to talent, and men are attracted to beauty.”
Some people treat infatuation as nothing more than a harmless and pleasurable escape. They do not realize that it can become a carefully hidden trap—one that captures restless hearts and leads them toward betrayal.
If every attraction justified an affair, we would be constantly falling in love with someone new. Everywhere we look, we encounter attractive, intelligent, talented, successful, or wealthy people.
By that logic, we would spend our entire lives in a state of infatuation—and eventually be consumed by it.
Research suggests that although repeated infidelity certainly occurs, approximately 60% of people who have cheated did so only once. Still, past behavior remains a strong predictor of future behavior. Those who cheated in one relationship were more than three times as likely to cheat in their next relationship as those who had remained faithful. [5]
The consequences of infidelity can be devastating. It damages marriages, destabilizes families, and threatens the emotional well-being and future of children.
The situation becomes especially painful when one or both partners in an affair are already married and have children, and the affair results in the birth of another child. That child may then grow up carrying emotional and social burdens created by the parents’ decisions.
How Can We Forget?
Within marriage, forgiveness is an act of compassion—a willingness to open one’s heart to someone who sincerely wants to return and make amends. But forgiveness after infidelity is never simple because the betrayed spouse has experienced humiliation, rejection, and deep emotional pain.
Vietnamese poet Hồ Xuân Hương once wrote:
“Cursed is the fate of sharing a husband:
One wife lies beneath warm blankets, while the other is left in the cold.” [6]
In Vietnam’s former polygamous society, the emotional struggles of both principal and secondary wives became an enduring theme in literature and marital psychology. No woman wants to live in another person’s shadow. No one wants to see her love exploited or divided.
If returning to the family is difficult for the unfaithful spouse, accepting that return and offering forgiveness may be many times harder for the betrayed partner.
The image of an unfaithful husband or wife is not easily erased from memory. The challenge becomes even greater when the affair was lengthy or resulted in serious consequences, such as the birth of a child.
Only love may be strong enough to look beyond such a betrayal and begin repairing its consequences.
Infidelity can injure a person’s dignity, emotional well-being, psychological health, and financial security. It may also create lasting family and legal complications. This is why infidelity may be forgivable, even though the pain is rarely forgotten.
We often say, “Forgive, but never forget.”
For someone who sincerely wants to return, determination alone may not be enough. That person may also need an outstretched hand—someone willing to provide encouragement, support, and hope.
In a marriage wounded by infidelity, that hand must often come from the husband or wife. It is the spouse’s hand that can help the person who stumbled rise again and remain committed to returning to the family.
Forgiveness is difficult. Forgetting is even harder and may sometimes be impossible. Yet forgiveness can also lighten the heart of the person who chooses to forgive. Psychology reminds us that the most difficult person to forgive is often ourselves.
When infidelity causes deep suffering, the betrayed spouse may consider forgiveness for the sake of love, family stability, and the well-being and future of the children. This does not mean ignoring the harm or pretending that nothing happened. It means deciding whether healing and reconciliation are still possible.
People who have made serious mistakes but sincerely wish to change often struggle with guilt, shame, and feelings of unworthiness. They may be especially afraid of having the past brought up repeatedly, particularly through suspicion, accusation, or constant emotional punishment.
Someone may ask, “How can I forgive when those painful images keep returning to my mind?”
A deep cut always leaves a scar. Whether we want it or not, that scar reminds us of what happened. But does that mean we must continue living in the past forever?
Opening the heart to forgiveness can restore inner peace and give life new meaning, “For it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.” [7]
Each act of genuine forgiveness allows love to grow. It can ease the heart of the person who wishes to return and gradually bring healing back into the relationship.
Once forgiveness has been offered, repeatedly dwelling on a spouse’s betrayal may prevent both partners from moving forward. Reconciliation requires hope, patience, and faith in the possibility that love can be rebuilt.
Perhaps “forgive but never forget” would be more accurately expressed as “forgive, even though forgetting is difficult.” In some cases, forgetting may simply be impossible.
That painful reality should serve as a warning to anyone who casually gives in to a passing attraction. Infatuation may seem harmless at first, but it can become a subtle and dangerous trap. Once a person falls into it, escaping can be extraordinarily difficult—and the betrayal may leave a spouse or loved one struggling to forgive, or unable to forgive at all.
– Trần Mỹ Duyệt, Ph.D. in Psychology-
References
- “Infidelity Statistics on Men, Women, and Relationships,” LoveToKnow Divorce.
- Vietcetera, LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/vietcetera_adultery-can-lead-to-up-to-3-years-in-prison-activity-7467077483624964096-6x3s - “Infidelity Statistics: Who Cheats More—Men or Women?” Discreet Investigations:
https://discreetinvestigations.ca/infidelity-statistics-who-cheats-more-men-or-women/ - Trần Tế Xương, “Ba Cái Lăng Nhăng,” Thơ Trần Tế Xương, Văn Hóa–Thông Tin Publishing House, 1998.
- “The Truth About Affairs and Cheating: Your Top 20 Questions Answered with Research and Statistics,” Dr. Kathy Nickerson:
https://drkathynickerson.com/blogs/relationship/the-truth-about-affairs-and-cheating-your-top-20-questions-answered-with-research-and-statistics - “Lấy Chồng Chung,” in Kiều Thu Hoạch, Thơ Nôm Hồ Xuân Hương, Literature Publishing House, 2008.
- The Peace Prayer of Saint Francis.